06-13-2021, 12:09 PM
News of possible league expansion has me thinking realignment. Not of conferences. But of nicknames.
Admit it. You’ve had these thoughts too. For far too long has Utah been home to the Jazz. There are way too few lakes in Lakerland. And I for one am dubious that a grizzly ever set foot in Memphis (zoo bears excepted).
The expansion rumors, it seems, would have the SuperSonics once again in Seattle. And that makes me happy. Not just because Boeing builds planes there but also for the delightful triple alliteration.
Vegas is also rumored to get a team. And it would have to be the High Rollers, one would think. Though the Vegas Vegans would also be fun.
Choosing a nickname related to place seems more than appropriate, in my mind. It’s something closer to essential, as the following well-termed teams well illustrate:
Indiana Pacers
Portland Trailblazers
Detroit Pistons
Orlando Magic
Philadelphia 76ers
Houston Rockets
Denver Nuggets
New York Knickerbockers (though the literary reference is lost on most)
Add the SuperSonics and High Rollers to this list, and team naming really would seem to have meaning. And this next group of nicknames, while not at the same level of clever, nonetheless fits within the theme:
San Antonio Spurs
Dallas Mavericks
Miami Heat
Los Angeles Clippers
Phoenix Suns
Oklahoma City Thunder
Boston Celtics (maybe, if you don’t mind the mispronunciation or racial overtones)
And I guess the choice of names for the New Orleans Pelicans and Minnesota Timberwolves could be worse, although obviously, they could be (and once were) much, much better.
Then you have the high-schoolish names that are simply embarrassments:
Atlanta Hawks (Really? Cause they fly?)
Charlotte Hornets (Cool.)
Chicago Bulls (Shouldn’t that be a Wall Street nickname?)
Milwaukee Bucks (Seriously, how do they even have a team?)
Cleveland Cavaliers (Supporters of King Charles I in the English Civil War?)
Toronto Raptors (Are we what, like 12 years old?)
Sacramento Kings (At least there was alliteration when they were in Kansas City.)
Washington Wizards (Yeah, Bullets wuz worse.)
Brooklyn Nets (Which is at least a basketballish term.)
Which brings me finally to my proposal. Which is modest. The league should realign team nicknames, correcting past errors and replacing the embarrassing names with place-appropriate new ones. Besides returning the name Lakers to Minnesota and Jazz to New Orleans, I propose the following:
The Hotlanta Humidity. Place-appropriate and alliterative, this nickname alludes to the kind of suffocating defense that hasn’t happened in Atlanta since allegator-armed Kevin Willis patrolled the paint decades ago.
The Charlotte Web. An association with E.B. White’s famous book is the most entertaining thing that could happen to this flailing franchise.
The Chicago Wind. What else would you call the Windy City’s basketball team, the Air Jordans?
The Milwaukee Miracles. It is truly miraculous that they even have a team in that crappy city, let alone that they managed to win a championship before Los Angeles made off with Kareem, or that they somehow managed to get Giannis to sign a long-term deal.
The Cleveland Rockers. Home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, this sports-cursed city should make reference to its musical muscle with its nickname.
The Toronto Smoke. The city known as “the big smoke” ought to have a cool, grownup nickname rather than be named after a dinosaur.
The Sacramento Statesmen. Sacramento hasn’t had a king since 1850. Even then, it was an emperor. So the current nickname really has nothing going for it at all. But the California capitol is home to the state’s many politicians, which is about all it has going for it (for it?), town or team.
The Washington Revolutionaries. It was a glorious thing, this revolutionary war that General Washington led and the nation it established, which he also led from the city that now hosts this hapless team. Much more glorious than anything this team has ever accomplished.
The Brooklyn Bridges. I mean, why not? What do you know Brooklyn for?
Admit it. You’ve had these thoughts too. For far too long has Utah been home to the Jazz. There are way too few lakes in Lakerland. And I for one am dubious that a grizzly ever set foot in Memphis (zoo bears excepted).
The expansion rumors, it seems, would have the SuperSonics once again in Seattle. And that makes me happy. Not just because Boeing builds planes there but also for the delightful triple alliteration.
Vegas is also rumored to get a team. And it would have to be the High Rollers, one would think. Though the Vegas Vegans would also be fun.
Choosing a nickname related to place seems more than appropriate, in my mind. It’s something closer to essential, as the following well-termed teams well illustrate:
Indiana Pacers
Portland Trailblazers
Detroit Pistons
Orlando Magic
Philadelphia 76ers
Houston Rockets
Denver Nuggets
New York Knickerbockers (though the literary reference is lost on most)
Add the SuperSonics and High Rollers to this list, and team naming really would seem to have meaning. And this next group of nicknames, while not at the same level of clever, nonetheless fits within the theme:
San Antonio Spurs
Dallas Mavericks
Miami Heat
Los Angeles Clippers
Phoenix Suns
Oklahoma City Thunder
Boston Celtics (maybe, if you don’t mind the mispronunciation or racial overtones)
And I guess the choice of names for the New Orleans Pelicans and Minnesota Timberwolves could be worse, although obviously, they could be (and once were) much, much better.
Then you have the high-schoolish names that are simply embarrassments:
Atlanta Hawks (Really? Cause they fly?)
Charlotte Hornets (Cool.)
Chicago Bulls (Shouldn’t that be a Wall Street nickname?)
Milwaukee Bucks (Seriously, how do they even have a team?)
Cleveland Cavaliers (Supporters of King Charles I in the English Civil War?)
Toronto Raptors (Are we what, like 12 years old?)
Sacramento Kings (At least there was alliteration when they were in Kansas City.)
Washington Wizards (Yeah, Bullets wuz worse.)
Brooklyn Nets (Which is at least a basketballish term.)
Which brings me finally to my proposal. Which is modest. The league should realign team nicknames, correcting past errors and replacing the embarrassing names with place-appropriate new ones. Besides returning the name Lakers to Minnesota and Jazz to New Orleans, I propose the following:
The Hotlanta Humidity. Place-appropriate and alliterative, this nickname alludes to the kind of suffocating defense that hasn’t happened in Atlanta since allegator-armed Kevin Willis patrolled the paint decades ago.
The Charlotte Web. An association with E.B. White’s famous book is the most entertaining thing that could happen to this flailing franchise.
The Chicago Wind. What else would you call the Windy City’s basketball team, the Air Jordans?
The Milwaukee Miracles. It is truly miraculous that they even have a team in that crappy city, let alone that they managed to win a championship before Los Angeles made off with Kareem, or that they somehow managed to get Giannis to sign a long-term deal.
The Cleveland Rockers. Home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, this sports-cursed city should make reference to its musical muscle with its nickname.
The Toronto Smoke. The city known as “the big smoke” ought to have a cool, grownup nickname rather than be named after a dinosaur.
The Sacramento Statesmen. Sacramento hasn’t had a king since 1850. Even then, it was an emperor. So the current nickname really has nothing going for it at all. But the California capitol is home to the state’s many politicians, which is about all it has going for it (for it?), town or team.
The Washington Revolutionaries. It was a glorious thing, this revolutionary war that General Washington led and the nation it established, which he also led from the city that now hosts this hapless team. Much more glorious than anything this team has ever accomplished.
The Brooklyn Bridges. I mean, why not? What do you know Brooklyn for?